manny ramirez facts

No big news to report on the Manny Ramirez front.

2009-07-07T08:33:00.001-07:00

nope. nothing much at all.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez's favorite song to sing at karaoke is "Cryin" by Aerosmith?

2009-06-19T13:51:00.001-07:00

Did you know that every friday Manny Ramirez reenacts George Eliot's "Middlemarch" with his four cats?

2009-06-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

Let us make something clear.

2009-06-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

Manny doesn't need your votes, he doesn't want your votes.

All he wants is your love. Why can't you open your heart to that?

California does not need a bailout.

2009-06-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez is currently discussing with all interested parties the ideal balance of spending and tax rates. He did not go to the Sorbonne for nothing.

Manny is now mired in fifth in All-Star Balloting.

2009-06-06T15:07:00.001-07:00

THIS IS NOT MY FAULT:

Manny knows that sometimes you can't get what you want (like his lucky 13th All Star appearance or me getting to see Randy Johnson pitch his 300th win):

Did you know that Manny Ramirez issues his own currency?

2009-06-04T10:47:00.000-07:00

Manny is well aware that you can vote 25 times per email address in the All-Star balloting.

2009-05-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

He is also aware that his name remains on the ballot, his current sabbatical notwithstanding.

But he won't tell you how to live your life. That is not his way.

Manny Ramirez is lucky that there are no major league baseball teams in Iowa

2009-05-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

as he has a Betty Boop Tijuana Bible tattoos on his back.

Oddly, when seen on his frame, few would disagree that it does not contain “serious literary, artistic, political, and scientific value,” but Manny doesn't want the headache.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez's favorite food is a sour creme and sriracha boxty?

2009-05-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

Whist is a game that taxes the most ordered and scientific mind.

2009-05-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

It rewards attention and care and quiet, well-mannered brilliance.

Manny once won the world in a game of whist with an unnamed partner but, in a moment of cruel pity, refused to accept his bounty.

Like Helio Castroneves...

2009-05-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez climbs the fences of the stadiums that he wins in.

However, Manny does so on the outside of the stadium. You would see him if, when leaving the ballpark, you would just look up.

Unlike Jose Canseco

2009-05-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

Manny is not fighting a 7'2" South Korean kickboxer in a Japanese mixed martial arts tournament.

Unlike the doper Canseco, Manny has a code. He never fights for money, only for honour, and almost never on this spectral plane.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez is allergic to Haberno Peppers?

2009-05-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

They give him earth shaking gas.

Manny apologizes, but Malo had a special, and he took home leftovers.

In 207 BC, the Greek Stoic Chrysippus from excessive laughter while watching his drunken donkey attempt to eat figs.

2009-05-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

Manny has used advanced mathematical analysis to determine that his death on Feb. 7th, 2499 will involve Crist' sippin', drunk asses and his own unflappable stoicism.

No matter where he plays...

2009-05-18T12:23:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez is sure to park a 1962 Dodge Dart outside the left field wall.

If you ask him why, he'll mutter a bit about the gravitational pull from Red Matter, but he is never quite clear.

We continue to grow the empire

2009-05-15T10:15:00.000-07:00

In a miraculous coup of the Austin Daily Statesman and Pork Producers Journal, Manny Ramierez Facts, LTD. has arranged for an important and critical voice to finally be heard in the professional baseball blogosphere.

After endless negotiations, and a strict review by our legal advisers Dewey, Cheatum, Howe, and Prosser, we are confident that we can finally unveil the newest tentacle in our cephalopodic empire:

What Ben Broussard Thinks About When Ben Broussard Thinks About the Supreme Court

We hope you find this a critical and unwavering voice in these difficult times.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez begins every day with a Protien Shake, two sets of 50 push ups, and a quick listen of The Move's album Shazam?

2009-05-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

David Ortiz is struggling this season, raising the question as to whether it would make sense for Boston to try and trade him straight up for Manny,

2009-05-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

50 games away or no.

Of course!

It would make sense right now for any team to trade any player straight up for Manny. After all, you can't spell T-E-A-M without the 'M' from Manny. As well as the 'anny' part, which has been hidden in the word 'team' for centuries by the mysterious Illuminati.

Manny Ramirez's time as a Top Gun jet pilot in the US Navy was one of deep personal conflict.

2009-05-13T10:29:00.001-07:00

He had pledged his sensai Bruno that he would never kill again, but his country desperately needed his singular skills in the "cock"-pit to succeed in the viscous fight over the much-feared Grenadian air force (known in aviation circles as the "Perilous Peregrines"). Which side of his bifurcated nature - killer or healer, lone wolf or patriot, man or man-thing - would win out?

Manny shot down twenty enemy aircraft in Grenada, destroying millions of dollars of Iran-funded Grenadian military equipment. Yet miraculously, ever single Grenadian crew member aboard those twenty planes survived their meeting with the "Dread Baron" (as they referred to him with dread and awe). One engineer was even snatched plummeting from the sky by grabbing onto the wing of Manny's F-97 Hawk-Cat as Manny dove to match the falling man's deadly speed. Manny pulled up carefully and the Grenadian engineer was lightly deposited atop a swaying palm tree on a then unnamed beach locals now know as "Slugger's Cove".

Did you know that when he was a fighter pilot, Manny Ramirez's call sign was "Sinatra"?

2009-05-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

Top Gun Day

We should count ourselves lucky that Manny Ramirez has plenty of money in savings...

2009-05-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

otherwise, he might return to his first love

Al Capone style gangstering.

Manny and his newborn Star Child Waylon are both happy and healthy.

2009-05-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

The two expect to spend the next 50 days counseling the Obama administration on the process to select a new Supreme Court Justice to replace the retiring Justice Souder and to shepherd the nominee through the Senate.

Manny is obviously familiar with the whole rigmarole having lead the Democratic charge against nominee Robert Bork during Manny's year as the Senate Judiciary Committee's Majority counsel in 1987.

Despite the news of the week, we here at Manny Ramirez Facts would like to assure you

2009-05-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

that there will be no change in providing the public with the vital facts regarding Manny Ramirez. In fact, due to our unprecedented and meteoric rise in popularity, Manny Ramirez Facts, LTD. is launching what will doubtlessly be another wildly successful venture:

Barry Zito is not a Velociraptor

We look forward to continuing to excel in all our ventures.

Sincerely,

MRF, LTD.

This is nobody's business but Manny's, but, considering everything...

2009-05-08T11:24:00.001-07:00

the world needs to know:

Manny Ramirez is pregnant, and has been for the last twelve years.

It is his way.

As previously mentioned, Manny Ramirez's endocrine system is able to synthesise any material...

2009-05-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

from the simple hydrogen atom to the most complex hormone, all at will.

Sometimes he produces medicine for friends, family and teammates in this manner, latter excreting it through glands in his upper mouth.

He's just trying to help, people!

Terry Francona has been known to chew glass in the dugout.

2009-05-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

Yet, despite his impenetrable facade, he is regularly brought to tears when Manny Ramirez sings the "Gloria Patri Domino" theme from Gustav Mahler's "Symphony of a Thousand."

Though Silverlake, CA is closer to Salt Lake City, UT than Williamsburg, NYC...

2009-05-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

Kari Ferrell shied away from the former, as the mere furrow of Manny Ramirez's brow would have stripped away her years of lies and fast talk, leaving her a reborn woman, forced to live with the guilt and shame of her legacy in the world.

Such sudden self realization would drive most people mad, so we won't look down at her for her understandable and oh so human weakness.

This does, however, speak volumes about James Loney.

Can Manny Ramirez cure cancer?

2009-05-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

The real question is whether the FDA will let him.

We've all heard the stories, and I can tell you that they are true.

2009-05-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez does run a nationwide network of orphanages, providing education and counselling for at risk kids. Manny's kids, as they are affectionately called, are well versed in Latin, Boxing, and survival skills.

Was there another news story that people were paying attention to today?

Manny would appreciate it if Google would direct people to the source for REAL TRUE Manny facts.

2009-05-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

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The rumors are not true, people.

2009-05-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez's pinneal gland is so advanced that it creates substances that modern medice has yet to identify.

Simple explanations.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez knows all the rules to Calvinball?

2009-05-06T11:59:00.001-07:00

That is what an advanced degree from the Sorbone will get you.

Kanye West and Manny Ramirez met only once...

2009-05-04T15:17:00.001-07:00

but the experience so shook the former that he crafted his greatest in a galaxy of hit songs, "RoboCop" off his 2008 album, 808s & Heartbreak.

The chorus, so reminiscent of the romantic maelstrom that lies at the heart of the greatest Euro-Disco hits, was actually based on a computerised breakdown of Manny's swing, converted into wave-form.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez carries around approximately $200 specifically for panhandlers?

2009-05-04T10:48:00.000-07:00

only in $5 denominations, and only with serial numbers that end in 7.

Otherwise, he will tell you, what is the point?

Although contemporary accounts neglect to mention him,

2009-05-01T08:07:00.000-07:00

Manny WAS the DJ at the now fabled Monster Mash, working the wheels of steel as a favour for his cousin, the Wolfman.

The beats WERE pumping, the ladies WERE bumping and fourteen separate (monster) witnesses were able to confirm that Manny was seen leaving the party in the company of the very comely Ms. Creature of the Black Lagoon.

Manny Ramirez did not kill the Zodiac Killer,

2009-05-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

however, like a Grendel, he does have his arm mounted on the wall of his garage.

Tamiflu is 999 parts sterilised water...

2009-04-30T09:53:00.000-07:00

for every one part dehydrated Manny skin flake.

It is regretful that Manny Ramirez was not asked to help sooner,

2009-04-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

as he is an world renown negotiator with bondholders in pre-bankruptcy situations.

However, his extensive collection of '82-85 Chrysler Fifth Avenues prevented him from being an objective arbiter of the dispute.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez originally required a uniform change before moving to the dodgers?

2009-04-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

It was, sadly, not approved.

Okay. This is getting silly.

2009-04-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez did not, repeat, did not reverse engineer hybrid technology and sell the results to General Motors.

He did, on the other hand, create a more efficient lithium battery using coffee grounds and cat sweat.

When asked, Manny Ramirez will demur from naming his favourite band.

2009-04-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

But if you really press him, he will sing the entirety of sides A and C of the Andrew WK album "Close Calls with Brick Walls", the vinyl-only album available almost exclusively in Japan. He is able to replicate perfectly the sounds of all the instruments simultaneously, but strangely does not try and replicate Mr. WK's trademark haunting yell. Instead, he effects the comical but perhaps offensive Eye-talian accent of Joe Pesci's character from My Cousin Vinny.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez was a key witness in the prosecution of Brigitte Mohnhaupt?

2009-04-29T11:38:00.000-07:00

Their relationship is one of Manny's biggest regrets, but he contributes 2% of his salary to victim's funds in an attempt to assuage his guilt.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez and Albert Pujols used to solve crimes in Baltimore?

2009-04-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

They had a falling out over, what else, the love of a good woman.

Manny is a sucker for redheads.

Did you know that every time Manny Ramirez adjusts his crotch, a small indonesian villiage is spared destruction by huricane?

2009-04-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

Truth is a viscous, oily thing, that stains hands that strain but cannot hold it.

2009-04-27T14:53:00.000-07:00

To those who question the facts on this blog, now for a certain fact that congealed truth flows through Manny Ramirez's veins and I know because I WAS THERE!!!

Because this is a family oriented blog

2009-04-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

I will not be discussing what Manny Ramirez's milkshake will bring to the yard.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez was also a finalist on "Britian's Got Talent"?

2009-04-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

He and his specially trained circus cats came in second place to a pair of throat singing twins from Huddersfield.

There ain't no party like a Manny Ramirez Party.

2009-04-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

This fact has been confirmed by the Harvard Medical Journal. Participants in a Manny Ramirez party experience dialated eyes, increased heart rate, and a system wide increase of dopamine that far exceeds those of the average party.

Including Andrew WK Parties.

Contrary to popular belief, Manny Ramirez is not a time traveler.

2009-04-22T10:29:00.001-07:00

He is, in fact, the living embodiment of time itself.

Like sand in an hourglass, Manny Ramirez is the days of our lives.

Job openings at Manny Ramirez Facts:

2009-04-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

Due to explosive growth in readership, and our superior eyeball monetization ratio, we here at Manny Ramirez Facts have discovered that we have some acute needs for additional staff. We have the following positions open:

1. Lead Programmer: MRF, LTD seeks a lead programer to be stations in our South Seas office. Key responsibilities include:

*Maintenance of Cray T90 Ramirez Modeling System (RMS)
*Codification of Black Sock / Sandals policy
* Interfacing Ramirez Database with ORACLE-based CMS

Applicants should have the following experience:
*Fluent in Fortran 77 (NOT Fortran 90, we hate dynamic memory allocation)
*BMI >= 26.7
*Languages spoken: Klingon, English, Spanish
*College Degrees in Theater Arts not required but strongly recommended

Compensation: Comensurate with experience, neckbeard.

Interview to be conducted via Second Life. No Furries.

Please contact the author in the comments if interested

2. Marketing Lead: MRF, LLC, a Delaware corporation, seeks two to three talented individuals to lead our domestic and international marketing efforst. Key responsibilities include:

* Representing the Manny Ramirez Facts brand at any and all sporting events (not limited to Curling, Volleyball, Ultimate Frisbee, Competitive Full Contact Jenga).
* Displaying custom MRF logos from posterior subdermal ink injections on nationally televised events.
* Strategize with MRF senior management on our plush, Italian leather sofa.

Applicants should have the following experience:
* 2-3 years client management at Scores/Spearament Rhino or similar institution of discerning taste.
* Certified advanced user in Access
* Minimum 75 score on Army Physical Fitness test.

Compensation: Commensurate with experience, perkiness.

Interview to be conducted in our offices in Logansport, Indiana complex, room B1.

Please contact Sean Robinson at his mother's house.

We should be careful when discussing the period of 1993 - 1995 in Manny Ramirez's life.

2009-04-22T07:37:00.000-07:00

His role in producing Lush's hit single "Ladykiller" is well known.

His victory over Vladimir Putin in an arm wrestling contest is not.

To this day, both Miki Berenyi and Anatoly Sobchak have offers out on Manny's life.

The incontrovertible fact that Manny Ramirez doesn't appear to cast a shadow...

2009-04-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

presents an interesting dilemma for physicists. It would be seem clear that he is not transparent (thus allowing light to pass through him and casting no shadow) because he is visible to the human eye (and would thus seem to be reflecting light back to a viewer's eye). And yet, all evidence would suggest that no shadow follows him.

MIT scientists finally solved this controversial and puzzling issue in 1997 with the discovery that he is in fact largely transparent but, like the star he is, Manny actually produces his own light from with by a process similar (though not identical) to solar fusion. Although the actual mechanism remains theoretical (and could provide the basis for a new unified field theory), normal light passes through Manny with perfect efficiency, thereby eliminating shadows. Our ability to see Manny is therefore not due to reflected light, but rather is a projection of his innate luminosity.

Strangely, Manny's transparency does not extend throughout the entire electromagnetic spectrum, as advanced imaging equipment has shown that he actually absorbs gamma and cosmic rays. This results in a very peculiar shadow, albeit one that cannot be seen by humans. Which only raises more questions, particularly who the audience for the extremely exclusive shadow-puppet soirees Manny has been often accused of hosting within his ominous skull-shaped castle deep within rural Oregon, the so-called Hacienda del DOOOOOOM.

Did you know that, despite his reputation for a temper, Manny Ramirez has never uttered a four letter word?

2009-04-21T16:53:00.001-07:00

Actually, any four letter words.

He calls home plate "Cleveland".

You can see him mouth "I'm going all the way to Cleveland" on third quite frequently.

Manny Ramirez's political beliefs are often opaque and nuanced.

2009-04-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

For instance, during the Prop 8 debates, Manny refused to endorse either side and instead tried to gather signatures for a proposition he had drafted that would have forced all adults to join in matrimonial groups of five of either gender, selected personally and by supercomputers of his design. These "star-marriages", Manny contended, was the only social configuration guaranteed to bring about a "Seventh World" of peace, plenty and sexy misunderstandings that would ensure the future of humanity.

Although Manny easily obtained the necessary signatures, at the last moment he pulled the proposition from the ballots declaring: "They just ain't ready, baby."

OK SHIT, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

2009-04-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

A POST I WROTE SAYING THAT MANNY RAMIREZ WAS ONLY PRETENDING TO BE A SECRET CANADIAN SPY WAS DELETED.

APPARENTLY I HIT A LITTLE CLOSE TO HOME!

Did you know that Manny Ramirez does not actually bleed Dodger Blue?

2009-04-21T13:25:00.001-07:00

A functional circulatory system would be a precursor for bleeding a specific color.

A letter from a reader inquired whether Manny Ramirez has contacted us about this blog

2009-04-21T13:21:00.001-07:00

Well, GoldFoLezz from Trenton, I'm sorry, but even if one of the great marble blocks that Manny Ramirez carves all of his correspondence on (with his fingernails) was delivered - as per his custom - by a lavender hearse bearing cleverly designed robot messengers to the Manny Fuckin' Ramirez FACT-ory (our home base in the South Sea), it would be a severe breach of etiquette to tell fucking readers about it.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez and Russell Martin always share a room during away games?

2009-04-21T10:36:00.001-07:00

one king size bed.

Russell is the small spoon.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez has no hair below his belly button?

2009-04-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

did you know that it is impossible to get a signal for any radio station between 98.0-100.5 within a 2 mile radius of Manny ramirez?

2009-04-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

Did you know that there is a life size statue of Manny Ramirez in the Kaaba?

2009-04-17T10:19:00.001-07:00

It is carved out of obsidian from Wyoming.

Manny Ramirez was not at the Yalta Conference, of course,

2009-04-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

as he was busy gathering the components of matter and energy throughout the span of time and space in order to accumulate it into the mortal shell he would inhabit in the late 20th/early 21st centuries.

That being said, he was the last thing that Josef Stalin saw before dying.

Did you know that the gold statue in the beginning of Raiders Of The Lost Ark is a carving of Manny Ramirez in soap?

2009-04-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

painted gold, of course.

Did you know that Manny Ramirez did not kiss a girl until age 17?

2009-04-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

He found emotional sustenance in the works of Proust.

We have all these myths and legends, and cauterise our lives with television and movies...

2009-04-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

but we ignore a real hero who walks among us even today.

Manny "Rex" Ramirez has lived a life that spurns the petty fictions of fantasy. He has:

broken into Kim Jong Il's extensive and beloved DVD collection and liberated Il's ill-gotten copy of Jerry McGuire for America.
midwifed the reborn Jesus Christ and got the quickly-to-age messiah a supervisor job at McDick's.
routinely delighted fans by crushing diamonds into convenient-to-burn coal.
AND SO MUCH MORE!!!

did you know that most sundays, manny volunteers at the local animal shelter to euthanize the animals?

2009-04-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

His dreadlocks have a calming effect on puppies before they are put down.

Did you know that Manny wrote a Tony Award winning play about being retarded in America?

2009-04-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez won the 1999 Indianapolis 500

2009-04-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez is one of the most misunderstood men of our times; a victim of a culture of superficiality and prejudice, in the minds of most folks he is a simple boy-child awash on the shores of the harsh adult world of Major League Baseball.

AND YET:

He was the lead designer of the F-22 Raptor, the guaranteer of America's air superiourity for decades to come.
He has set foot on all six continents and spent two years as a Russian-Orthodox priest on King George Island off the coast of Antarctica.
Played the marimba on Tito Puente's 2002 album, Hot Timbales!.
AND MORE!!!

do you know that Manny Ramirez holds key patents that form the basis of Google Maps software?

2009-04-17T08:09:00.000-07:00